Comments on Existence is Wonderful: Help, Accommodation, and Non-Standard Needs

Car-addicted culture.

2008-07-01T00:33:00.000-07:00

Car-addicted culture.

Clarification: in my last comment when I mentioned...

2008-06-29T22:35:00.000-07:00

Clarification: in my last comment when I mentioned people "grasping at straws", I wasn't talking about you or other non-drivers commenting about the dominance of car culture in the US.

Rather, I was referring to drivers over here who like to go on about the "worlds of opportunity" opened up by driving, as if presuming I didn't get the memo on how being able to drive your own car means you can go to the store whenever you want without having to walk or take the bus or get a ride from another human.

I mean, it's all well and good for people to talk about the reasons they like being able to drive, but my failure to see those reasons as sufficient cause to feel sorry for myself for not being able to drive should not be taken as a sign that I'm somehow weak-willed or complacent. I just have other priorities.

shiva said:There are lots of similar things, like ...

2008-06-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

shiva said:

There are lots of similar things, like people apologising for brushing against me in the street, which distresses me *far* more than the unintentional physical contact (which, much of the time, i wouldn't even *notice* if the person didn't draw attention to it by apologising for it)...

Well, in my case I do notice when people brush against me, but I definitely don't like it when they make a big deal out of it. A quick "Oh, sorry" is fine, but if it goes beyond that, I tend to lose brainspace pretty rapidly.

The last thing I need in an overloading situation (like walking on a crowded street or in a busy hallway) is someone deciding that because they've brushed me, they need to touch me even more (usually via grabbing or patting my shoulders and/or arms) and try to strike up an impromptu conversation about the whole thing. My impulse in that situation is to struggle, push, and dart away as fast as I can away from that person.

you said: I am always horrified by how strong the assumption seems to be in the US that *everyone* drives, and that walking down the street is something undreamed-of - perhaps people assume your car has broken down or something?

Oh yes, I wrote a whole post about being a non-driver in the midst of the US car culture...it's definitely an interesting experience at times (though, I dare say, a valuable one, as I get a first-hand look at a lot of the assumptions most people probably don't even realize their culture holds).

It's almost funny sometimes how people seem to be practically grasping at straws for reasons why it's bad to be a non-driver over here -- sometimes I think I probably frustrate people with how little I care about playing status games. :P

I am exactly the sam as this, both in regard to ...

2008-06-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

I am *exactly* the sam as this, both in regard to being offered help and being asked for help.

In fact, i was just thinking about the opening-doors thing (having read a discussion of it in a side-thread to a discussion about feminism somewhere on Livejournal). I absolutely hate having doors opened for me - because, for *some* of the common ways of holding a door open for a person, i literally *cannot* go through the door until the person lets go of it. (I think it's an interaction of my spacial perception/co-ordination issues and my anxieties to do with boundary-crossing/personal space.) So, the person *thinks* they are being helpful by holding the door open for me, but in actual fact they are blocking me from getting through the door... which it's pretty much impossible to explain to someone without deeply offending them. It's also deeply offensive (apparently) to stand and wait until they let go of the door, so in such circumstances i actually often walk away in a different direction, and either give up on going into that shop (or whatever), or come back to it later...

There are lots of similar things, like people apologising for brushing against me in the street, which distresses me *far* more than the unintentional physical contact (which, much of the time, i wouldn't even *notice* if the person didn't draw attention to it by apologising for it) - but the apology forces me to acknowledge the person as a person, which can break my train of thought so completely it throws off my whole day. Actually, i probably need to write a post about all these things...

Another one is if someone offers to help me cook a meal, or similar - i always say no, because, even though cooking a meal for several people, involving several things cooking at once, is somewhat stressful, co-ordinating instructing someone else what to do *and* cooking part of it myself is considerably more stressful than doing it all myself. People see me rushing around, "looking stressed", and think they are helping by offering to help, when in fact dealing with their offer *in addition* to what i am already doing will only stress me out more...

I have to say that your carrying bags one seems very odd to me, tho. In England, i don't think i would ever get those kind of unsolicited offers for carrying heavy bags down the street, and tho i'm a 5'11" bearded man, i really don't think a 5'2" woman (if she wasn't visibly disabled) would either. (I mean, i'd offer if it was someone i *knew* who i ran into in the street, and we were going in the same direction, but a stranger? Absolutely no way - in fact, a stranger offering to carry someone's bags in the UK would probably be presumed to be trying to steal something...)

Maybe it has something to do with the US's car culture? I am always horrified by how strong the assumption seems to be in the US that *everyone* drives, and that walking down the street is something undreamed-of - perhaps people assume your car has broken down or something?

abfh: Hehe, that does sound rather amusing.

2008-06-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

abfh: Hehe, that does sound rather amusing.

Last night I saw an amusing advertisement by a bar...

2008-06-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw an amusing advertisement by a barbell company. Two guys were struggling to lift some heavy weights onto the back of a truck. Then they noticed a pretty girl carrying books, put down the weights, and rushed over to offer to carry her books. The girl, who turned out to be a champion weightlifter, gave her books to one of the guys and thanked him sweetly. Then she did a perfect clean-and-jerk and put the barbells in the truck.

:)

jfehlinger said:I too dislike unsolicited offers o...

2008-06-26T23:12:00.000-07:00

jfehlinger said:

I too dislike unsolicited offers of
help, and my kneejerk reaction
tends to be to reject it (sometimes
not very politely) even when it
might have been, well, helpful.

Yeah, I do that as well sometimes. Practically as a rule, my initial reaction to someone trying to get my attention (or get involved in whatever it is I'm doing) tends to be...not what people expect. Similarly, if someone asks me a question out of the blue, the first response I give is likely to be much less accurate (to the point of totally failing to make sense on occasion) than subsequent responses when I've had time to process things a bit.

(Which, of course, got me into no end of trouble growing up, as a lot of people seem to operate under the myth that a person's first response is most likely to be the "honest" one, whereas subsequent responses are more likely to be fabrications.)

Asking for help is always my plan
of last resort, never planned for
at all, and only resorted to out
of absolute desperation.

Same here.

Though when I was little I remember there being a few things that I always asked for help with by default -- not even necessarily because I needed help, but because I'd been taught to say the help-requesting words in conjunction with a particular activity and I didn't realize I even had a choice (nor did I generalize that asking for help with Thing X meant that asking for help with Thing Y was also an option). I remember one day, at around age six, asking for help with something in this category, and being told that I could do the thing myself (which, it turned out, I could), and finding this to be a bit of a revelation.

Mostly, however, I'm a raging do-it-yourselfer and always have been. As a child I did a lot of climbing on shelves and stacking furniture so I could get at things I wanted, and as an adult, my attitude is similar, though my actions are decidedly less monkeyesque. :) But at this point I've also recognized that needing help in some areas is nothing to be ashamed of -- the thing I still tend to struggle with is how to describe the kinds of help that benefit me the most.

(My partner is amazingly good at assisting me in these areas, though, and I am tremendously thankful for this -- I don't know how I managed to find someone who understands that sometimes I need to be physically steered out of crowds and away from moving vehicles in parking lots, and that no, my having a job, etc. doesn't mean I "can't possibly" need help with this sort of thing!)

I tend not to like being asked for
help by others -- especially
strangers (like folks asking for
directions on the street)

LOL, I dislike being asked for directions as well, but mainly because I am terrible at giving directions! It's especially bad if someone in a car stops and asks how to get to [location], as since I don't drive myself, I tend not to have a clue regarding freeway connections. (When you walk around as a pedestrian a lot, you navigate in different ways than people who are always in cars do.)

I tend to go around in a bit of
a fog, and be startled when
somebody penetrates the bubble;
I tend not to think well in
stressful situations.

Gee, are you sure we're not related? :P

> [I]f I am in the process of> trying to push a ca...

2008-06-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

> [I]f I am in the process of
> trying to push a cart or
> open a door or even carry an
> empty box down the hallway,
> adding "human interaction"
> to the task tends to turn it
> from something perfectly
> manageable into something
> ridiculously confusing. . .

I too dislike unsolicited offers of
help, and my kneejerk reaction
tends to be to reject it (sometimes
not very politely) even when it
might have been, well, helpful.

Asking for help is always my plan
of last resort, never planned for
at all, and only resorted to out
of absolute desperation.

I tend not to like being asked for
help by others -- especially
strangers (like folks asking for
directions on the street) for a
number of reasons -- I tend to
dislike all human interaction;
I tend to go around in a bit of
a fog, and be startled when
somebody penetrates the bubble;
I tend not to think well in
stressful situations.

I tend not to notice, or notice too
late, when people need help but
aren't asking, like when somebody's
struggling with a door.

Nevertheless, I tend to feel
guilty for being so useless, even
while rationalizing that many
people (like you) would prefer to
be left to their own devices
unless they specifically request
assistance.

I too am annoyed, to the point of
contempt, by folks who **jump** to
my assistance, only to get in the
way. I **hate** "Alphonse &
Gaston" routines.

I tend to be so paralyzed by these
conflicting impulses that even in
a pretty clear-cut case of my
assistance being called for, I
stand around like a buzzing
Robby-the-Robot, "locked in a
sub-electronic dilemma".

Nevertheless, I'm sometimes able
to snap out of it in time to hold
open a door for somebody pushing a
baby stroller. ;->

Comments on Existence is Wonderful: Help, Accommodation, and Non-Standard Needs

Car-addicted culture.

Clarification: in my last comment when I mentioned...

shiva said:There are lots of similar things, like ...

I am *exactly* the sam as this, both in regard to ...

abfh: Hehe, that does sound rather amusing.

Last night I saw an amusing advertisement by a bar...

jfehlinger said:I too dislike unsolicited offers o...

> [I]f I am in the process of> trying to push a ca...

I am exactly the sam as this, both in regard to ...